Week 4: You are my Sunshine

This week has been an emotional roller coaster, for sure. I thought I was doing better. I thought I was ready to start 'reorganizing' my life.  And then on Wednesday, I stopped by Jim's to pick up some WIC checks, and pulled into the driveway at the same time as his neighbors.  I knew she'd been pregnant this summer, but they hadn't told anyone until like July. Imagine my surprise when she stepped out of the car as slim as the day I met her.  Then her husband got the baby out of the backseat and insisted on showing her to me. Which I thought I'd be okay with. I've seen dozens of babies while I'm out shopping and contrary to the literature my agent supplied me with, I had not had so much as lump in the throat.


But I made the mistake of asking when she was born. Sept 1.  Just two days after Zion.  Lump in the throat.  I congratulated them and then went inside, collected the WIC checks and went grocery shopping for both Jim's household and mine. I returned and he had some work to do on my laptop.  So I waited.  I thought I would explode.  He asked what was wrong and after several times, I told him.  We went outside for a smoke and then as I left he gave me a hug. And I sobbed tearless sobs.  I collected myself and went home. But once in the car I cried. And cried. I pulled over and cried some more.

The next few days were okay. I told myself I'd have time to get it all off my chest and cry some more at our counseling appointment on Friday.  Friday morning our agent called to say that she had to do an emergency home evaluation for a baby that had been born the night before.  And I cried some more.

Yesterday in the car with the kids we played their playlist of kid's songs and You Are My Sunshine came on.  And I fought the tears as it played:
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
You make me happy when skies are grey.
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away.
The other night, dear, while I was sleeping
I dreamt I held you in my arms.
When I awoke dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.

Tonight, we're at a cabin in the Upper Peninsula for a family reunion and Noah slept in the living room.  I heard him sucking on his nuk and instantly the lump returned.  It sounded so much like a newborn sucking on their nuk.

Zion is officially one month old. And I miss him so much some days it feels I'll never stop wishing he was here with me.