Yesterday we officially terminated our parental rights. As of 10/07/2010, 9:00 AM we were no longer the legal guardians of Zion. There's no turning back. He will never call me Mommy. He will never wake me early in the morning to watch cartoons or open Christmas presents. I will not go to Parent-Teacher conferences. It's done.
We survived the hearing better than I expected. Though I had a lump in my throat from the moment we saw the attorney outside the courtroom until four hours after I got home, I managed not to out and out sob on the stand. My voice cracked a few times as I answered the questions on the stand. A few tears slipped out and the judge passed me a box of Kleenex as I recited the answers I'd practiced the last 10 months (why I felt this was best for Zion, etc). And I did not trip on my way down or forget which hand to hold up for the oath.
Jim shed a few tears as the judge officially declared him the father of Zion and then moments later agreed to terminate our parental rights for the purposes of adoption, and commended us for our 'unselfish' decision. The words blew over me like a breathy whisper in a stagnant desert like heat. I heard them, recognized their kindness, but it did little for the stifling, suffocating pain in my chest.
Zion's parents had sent a card for each James and I as well as a gift of a bracelet for myself. Three silver bracelets connected by a single heart. I'm confident in our decision, but it doesn't ease the feeling of 'if only'. I wonder if anything ever will.
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