Epic Fail

Today I feel like a failure just going through the motions.  There's a voice inside me that keeps saying, 'You gave that beautiful baby boy up so that you could be a good mom to your children; but you're not. And no matter how hard you try you may never 'catch up'.  You may never be a good mom.  Maybe you should give up now while they're little and still have a little respect for you.  Before you're 50 and your own child tells you that they don't miss you.  That in your darkest hour, you are just a selfish pain in the ass. Do it now, you coward.'


And then a quieter voice says 'They love you. They need you. Even if you are a mess.  Do you want to risk fucking them up for life because you were too weak? Use this opportunity.  Learn from it. Stop going to McDonalds. Stop smoking. Stop buying new clothes from Target, and start saving. Start paying off your debt.  Start over.'  And I know that voice is Jim.  He's drilled those things into me over and over again.  And he would be so pissed, so disappointed, so frustrated to hear my thoughts.

But I don't know how to move past this...feeling that I'm failing. That I'm disappointing everyone...