As Time Goes By

It's been a little over three years since I discovered I was pregnant with my third child.  Zion has grown so big.  His parents have faithfully sent photos via email and we've gone to visit with them about once or twice a year. It is always difficult for me to visit them.  James finds it refreshing - like a confirmation that we made the right choice.  To see all five of his children together, each thriving and happy.

I don't disagree with the sentiment - but still a piece of me can't help but be sad.  It's disappointing.  I'd hoped that it would be like visiting friends, but instead it feels a little awkward and surreal.  Not for lack of trying on anyone's part... but perhaps it is the trying that makes it so 'off'.

Zion's parents have told us they're starting the process to adopt another child. Selfishly, I thought "Why? Why isn't Zion enough? How will having another birth family change the way they treat us? Will they still send us pictures? Still want to visit? What if the new mom is great and it really is like visiting with friends? Will they hold it against me? What if the new mom is awful and a little crazy?"  I have a friend who gave her first child up for adoption and she hasn't heard from the parents since the child was two.  Because they adopted a new baby and the birth mother became a stalker and kept coming by/calling asking for her baby back. The parents became afraid and cutoff communication with both birth families.  It's all understandable. And life as a working mom is hard enough without planning two reunions with people who aren't even your real family.

The logical, realistic person (the person I was before this whole experience) thinks it's great. Zion will have a sibling and that's a fantastic experience.  And his parents are great parents -- why shouldn't they help some other girl and her baby have the best possible chance at life?  And maybe it's a testament to us - perhaps they felt that our experience has been so great they'd be happy to do it again.

Anyway, the purpose of this blog/diary was to shed some light on what life after adoption is like as a birth mom.  It's been rough.  At times, it's been soul-shakingly hard.  But ultimately, given the circumstances, I'm glad I made this choice in place of the alternatives.  Obviously, I wish I was in the place to raise Zion myself, but it wasn't meant to be. And it gave a whole new family the opportunity to love and share.  And I survived.